Ducks
by Molly Renata
Summary: It's almost Itou's birthday, and his former comrades have some presents for him. AU, oneshot, may be OOC, rated for some foul language.


**Ducks**

_Author's Note: Kamo's birthday is December 13, and this idea wouldn't leave my head, so I decided to scribble it down. Here you go - a birthday fic for the Shinsengumi traitor!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama. It belongs to Hideaki Sorachi._

* * *

It was a cold, snowy December day, and Kamotarou Itou was sitting in the living area of his little apartment. It had been some time since he went to visit his former comrades at the Shinsengumi, and he wondered if they would even care whether or not he visited after everything he'd done-

He heard a knock on the door, and stood up to answer it. However, all he saw on the other side of the door was a large box, just small enough to fit in the doorway.

"...I don't recall ordering anything," the ex-Shinsengumi muttered to himself as he hefted the box inside. It was quite heavy, and he wondered what was in it.

Itou closed the door and opened the box. Inside it was... a set of smaller boxes, each with an envelope taped to them. With a somewhat frustrated groan, he pulled out the first box and opened the envelope attached to it.

It was a letter from the Shinsengumi's commander, Isao Kondo.

_"How are you doing, Master Itou? It's been a while since we last heard from you! I hope you're feeling well. Oh, have you found a cute girl to warm your bed at night?_

_-Isao Kondo_

_P.S.: Happy birthday! I got you a present, so don't be shy, go ahead and open it!"_

Itou shook his head and breathed a long sigh, then once again picked up the box that the letter was attached to. It was true that his birthday was coming up, but why would the Shinsengumi send him presents?

He opened the box and peered inside. It was a well-carved, beautifully-painted wooden sculpture of... a duck.

"...A duck?" Itou raised an eyebrow, but did not question the motives behind the bizarre present. He set the box aside, then picked up the second one and opened the letter attached to it.

_"Have an unhappy birthday. I hope you choke on the fumes from a fire in your apartment._

_-Sougo Okita"_

As Itou suspected, there was still some lingering resentment from the first division captain. Of course, as far as he knew, that could have just been Sougo being himself... to that kid, insulting people was like showing his love for them. With another heavy sigh, Itou opened the second box and peered inside.

Several small, well-carved, beautifully-painted wooden sculptures of... ducks.

Itou didn't bother to comment to himself this time; he set the box aside and went to extract the third one. He noticed that, for some strange reason, this box had _two_ envelopes on it; he plucked them off and opened them, then read them one by one.

_"Hello, Mr. Itou! Gin told me that your birthday was coming up, so I got you a present! I hope you like it!_

_-Shinpachi Shimura"_

_"Heya, Ducky! How're you doing? I heard your birthday's coming up, so happy birthday!_

_-Kagura, the Queen of Kabukicho_

_P.S.: Papi says hi!"_

Itou blinked at the second letter. He should have expected the Yorozuya to send him a present after that, but what did Kagura mean by 'the Queen of Kabukicho'? And what was with that stupid nickname? And he didn't even know her father...

The ex-Shinsengumi shook his head and breathed _yet another_ sigh as he opened the box from the two Yorozuya kids.

Three boxes of sukonbu... with poorly-drawn ducks painted on them. And a well-crafted metal whistle... shaped like a duck.

"What is with all these ducks?" Itou groaned. "Are they teasing me?"

He set the box aside, pulled the fourth one out, and opened the letter.

_"Oi, asshole. I used up the month's rent for this present, so you better like it._

_-Gin_

_P.S.: Sacchan got her hands on it. Wash it off first."_

Apparently, Sougo wasn't the only one with a bit of lingering resentment; why had Gintoki told the kids about Itou's birthday in spite of that? And who the hell was Sacchan? Itou decided not to think too hard about it, and instead opened the box that Gin's letter was attached to.

It was a well-made, hand-painted ceramic sculpture... of a duck. And it smelled strongly of natto.

Itou wrinkled his nose and set the box aside, then reached for the final box. At this point, he was wondering if he should just not bother to see what was inside... but then, he opened the letter attached to the final box, and his eyes widened as he saw the name.

_"This whole giving presents thing kinda pisses me off, but Kondo said that he'd dock my pay if I didn't, so here you go. I'm not sure what the rest of those bastards got you, but if I'm getting you a gift anyway, I'm gonna do it right._

_Happy birthday, Itou. Drop around again sometime, will ya?_

_-Hijikata"_

"...Hijikata," Itou repeated, his voice quiet. Inwardly, he hoped that 'doing it right' meant that whatever was inside the box _wasn't_ a duck, but he didn't let himself get _too_ hyped up. He set the letter aside, taking special care to fold it properly inside its envelope, and opened the box.

Four bottles of mayonnaise, a kitchen knife, and a cleaning cloth for eyeglasses.

An odd combination of presents, and Itou had _no idea_ what the kitchen knife was supposed to be for, but there wasn't a single duck in sight. He breathed another sigh, this time one of relief; in the end, even though Hijikata probably still hated him, at least he had someone who _didn't_ want to mock the hell out of him.

Itou picked up one of the bottles of mayonnaise in the box and stared at it. He'd _never_ use this much mayonnaise, but Hijikata loved the stuff, so he figured it was supposed to symbolize something resembling friendship. And, if nothing else, _it wasn't a damned duck_.

Well, at least he'd have a decent enough birthday. He made a mental note to write Kondo back and tell him that he was still single.

* * *

_Author's Notes: Ever since I found out that Itou's first name contained the word "duck", I have been making a __**lot**__ of horrible jokes about it. He's one of my favorite characters, but I just can't stop making fun of him. XD_

_If you're wondering why Hijikata of all people was the one to give him something __**other**__ than a duck, it's for two reasons-_

_1. Hijikata is the 'straight man' of the Shinsengumi, and I doubt he'd do something that overtly silly._

_2. I kind of sort of support Hijikata x Itou as a ship. Don't bite me!_

_Well, that's a wrap! Happy Birthday, Kamotarou Itou! And don't worry - next time, I won't get you ducks!_


End file.
